You might remember me from a couple of months ago. Or perhaps you don't. I was the author of the blog SheSpeaksWithWisdom, as well as the YouTube channel by the same name. You might also recall that I entered the convent in October.
The Order, as of October
Well, I'm back!
I'm sure you're thinking, Whaddaya mean, you're back?! I thought you were gone for good! Yeah, about that...
I entered the Convent on October 7th, the Feast of Our Lady of the Rosary. I entered with the full intention to give the rest of my life, starting from that moment, to God, to be His Bride, and to take vows of Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience in the Order. And He let me. But it wasn't His plan for me to stay there. After two months of living with the Sisters, doing the work of the Sisters, and praying for God to reveal my vocation to me, I discerned that I was called to marriage. How? I felt that, although the Order, its spirituality, and its members were amazing and were a great fit for me (there literally couldn't be a better Order than this one for me!), there was something that just wasn't working. My prioress likened it to shoving a square peg in a round hole; I just wasn't clicking, and I could tell it too. The harder I tried, the more miserable I became. I knew that I was going to leave, and it was painful. I had promised my life to God in the Order and given up literally everything. I was certain at the moment of my entrance that I would be there for the rest of my life. And after a month and a half had passed, nearly all surety had flown out the window. My soul was confused, and when I brought it to Confession, no consolation was given, and in fact, my soul underwent even worse torments because nobody could help me. I wanted to be freed from this thought of leaving, what I thought was a temptation...
A conversation with my prioress (who is awesome, BTW) left me with better clarity. All these things that I had been feeling and observing in my soul were not temptations, but were clear signs that this was not the vocation that God had planned for me. I left on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and returned to my hometown to restart my life in the world.
It's been a little over a week since I left, and in that short amount of time, I've been asked a lot of questions, so I'll answer some for you here:
- No, I didn't hate it.
- No, the Sisters weren't mean to me (on the contrary, they were GREAT!)
- Yes, I missed home.
- NO I'm not engaged yet! (Someone actually did ask me if I was engaged already)
- Yes, I miss my Sisters now that I'm home.
- No, I don't plan to try to enter again.
- Yes, I'm going to visit them occasionally.
- and Yes, I do get to have my 20 kids that I dreamed about having!
Also, someone said to me that they wonder if I inspired the Novices to leave. Many points on that, but just two for now: 1) I would never wish the stress of leaving the convent on anyone. It's not easy. and 2) why in the world would you wish for someone to leave the convent, especially if it's been proven to be their vocation? It's not a dungeon or something... (grrrr)
So now I have a blog again.
I plan on using this blog to share my journey as I rebuild my life (and wardrobe, as I have hardly anything as far as raiment goes), and also write about this area that I love so much. I hope you'll join me on this journey.
May God bless and reward you.
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